I'm Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute where we help people heal (physically/mentally/emotionally) from the betrayal of a family member, partner, friend, coworker, self.  I’m sure you can imagine how many failed marriages and relationships we see each day. There are so many factors that lead to failed marriages and relationships but what I see daily that easily destroys a marriage/relationship is betrayal and broken trust. Trust is foundational for our sense of safety and security so when the very person who gave us that sense of safety and security is the one to shatter it, it’s devastating.
Betrayal also feels so intentional (vs. many other life crises) so we take it so personally. When that happens, the entire self is shattered and must be rebuilt-rejection, abandonment, belonging, confidence, worthiness, and trust are all vital to healthy relationships. When we enter a relationship with these aspects damaged or they become damaged by betrayal and shattered trust, it’s one of the most common reasons for a marriage and relationship to end.
There are also so many factors that make it clear if the relationship can be rebuilt or if it’s best to simply heal and move on. Knowing the difference between the two can prevent years of endless heartache.

What is Post Betrayal Syndrome?

You couldn’t brace yourself because you never saw it coming. You didn’t have your guard up because you thought you were safe. It never crossed your mind that the person you loved, you trusted, you felt safe with––would ever hurt you. You gave your heart, your love, your loyalty, and your trust. One day out of the blue, you make a painful discovery––and that one life-altering moment gets forever tattooed on your mind and on your heart. 

There’s no question that increased, constructive interactions are necessary to our physical and mental well-being, but why is it that people around you can so dramatically affect what is happening inside of you?

It’s as if the person you loved, the one you trusted, just took a mask off revealing who they had been this whole time. You feel like you were sucker-punched, nothing makes sense so then you frantically start questioning everything, including yourself. That’s what it feels like to be blind-sided by betrayal. How do I know? That’s what happened to me.

I felt so sad, so hurt and so confused, the same way that you might be feeling now. That confusion sent me on a search for answers. I was desperate to figure out how the mind works, why we do what we do and how I could heal. That search led to a Ph.D. program in Transpersonal Psychology. While I was there, I did a study––I studied how we experience betrayal. What holds us back? What helps us heal? What happens to us physically, mentally, and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat, and deceive. That study made three groundbreaking discoveries and Post Betrayal Syndrome is one of them. I want to share a helpful overview of what Post Betrayal Syndrome is so that you may recognize it in your life. 

I define betrayal as the breaking of a spoken or unspoken rule. Every relationship has them. When those rules are broken, without our awareness or consent, it’s excruciating. The realization that someone violated those rules and behaved in a way that has you feeling disregarded, rejected, abandoned, unimportant, unheard, less than and so much more… creates havoc to the body, mind, and heart. It also leaves physical, mental, and emotional symptoms so common to betrayal, it’s known as Post Betrayal Syndrome.

We’ve been taught that time heals all wounds, that’s not always true. Over 15,000 people have taken my post-betrayal syndrome assessment quiz to see to what extent people are still struggling. Besides reading about all the physical, mental, and emotional symptoms left in the wake of their experiences, there’s a question within that quiz that reads; “is there anything else you’d like to share?” People write things like:

“My betrayal happened 35 years ago; I am unwilling to trust again.” 

“My betrayal happened 40 years ago; I can still feel the hate.” 

“My betrayal happened 15 years ago; I feel gutted” 

67% of people that take the quiz, prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. 

84% have an inability to trust 

90% want to move forward, but they don’t know how

If you’re anything like me, this may be coming to you as a bit of a shock. There’s a name for this?! I remember turning in my research to my study chairperson who read it and said, “Debi, I believe you’ve discovered a process here.” That was the moment I knew that millions of people would find comfort in knowing that there is a systematic approach to healing from something they thought they would NEVER recover from. I am here to tell you it’s possible. I don’t want you to be stuck because of your betrayal. I am here to get you out. Let’s get you on that journey. I would start with the quiz that I’ve tagged above but if you’re still questioning if you might be struggling with symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome, I’d recommend also checking out my Instagram page so you can follow along with my journey!

So, what do you do if you don’t have many close ties?

Begin- groups, clubs, and organizations offer great opportunities to make connections that provide real health benefits. Odds are that you will be surrounding yourself with like-minded people, and like-minded people tend to be encouraging and supporting of one another. And let’s not forget our furry friends. Pet owners have a genuine bond with their pets- a bond that gets the endorphin flowing and our stress response relaxing. Another wonderful way to “connect” is to immerse ourselves in nature. Going for a walk, watching the sunset or sunrise, counting stars are all wonderful ways to enjoy the benefits of feeling connected.

Can you identify the link between your relationships and your health? Are your relationships creating health and wellness, or disease and illness? You’re worth taking some time to look at your relationships and determine what they are providing. It’s also important to find ways to prevent the physical, mental, and emotional wear and tear that unhealthy relationships can cause.  Do you have any “energy drains” in your life? Are you suffering from energy drain symptoms? Let me know, I’d like to help.

To Your Transformation!

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